I started blogging anonymously to write love letters to Paris. My blogs were about a dream for me and Chris that I never really expected to become a reality. Even the different sort of reality we are now living. My blogs were my escape.
Many blogs and many years later, everything has changed.
London is now home. Paris is still our dream, though that too is different. Some days I feel at peace with the decisions that have brought us to London; other days I long for our annual, highly anticipated trips to Paris. When it felt like Paris was all we had. I miss the intensity of loving Paris so much.
London has changed me and Chris and made both our worlds much larger.
London has given me an opportunity to live a big, scary and at times unrelenting life. I spend 90% of my time outside of my comfort zone, and 10% of my time in my bed watching Netflix and eating Marks & Spencer ready-meals. It's the only way I can cope with the exhilarating and exhausting beast that is London.
It is challenging to live in London on my own, and nothing has been more challenging than managing my mental health. All of my carefully constructed strategies of support are much harder to maintain in London. I will be the first to acknowledge I don't look after myself the same way I did in Canada. It's the little things like eating too much dairy to larger things like not investing in psychotherapy or forgetting to take my medication when I travel.
This past year I have written and talked a lot about mental health and my specific battle with health anxiety. It wasn't in my London plan, but circumstances and opportunities have made it an important part of my life here. Sometimes I find it empowering, other times terrifying. But all the time I believe it's necessary.
Now it's time for me to tell a different story.
Last month I had a significant setback with my health anxiety and lost the better part of a weekend to Dr Google. I was single-minded in my determination to self-diagnosis myself with a terminal illness and purged on worst-case scenarios until I was a hysterical mess.
I hate that version of myself. She is frustrating, illogical, insecure and desperate. She can't breathe and is incapable of feeling anything but fear. She is a failure.
Anxiety is exhausting. It takes significant energy and focus to manage my anxiety and battle my overwhelming urge to spend every free second on Dr Google.
I am all right, right now.
These are the six words that bring me some comfort and I repeat constantly. These are the six words that help me get out of bed in the morning and remind me to try and stay in the moment.
I am not always successful and I find myself back online more times than I care to admit. I also know that I am hyperaware of my body right now and spending too much time obsessing over my sore quads or occasional headaches. Inconsequential things that are related to exercise and work. Life.
This is my life that I want to share. My life living with anxiety.
Many blogs and many years later, everything has changed.
London is now home. Paris is still our dream, though that too is different. Some days I feel at peace with the decisions that have brought us to London; other days I long for our annual, highly anticipated trips to Paris. When it felt like Paris was all we had. I miss the intensity of loving Paris so much.
London has changed me and Chris and made both our worlds much larger.
London has given me an opportunity to live a big, scary and at times unrelenting life. I spend 90% of my time outside of my comfort zone, and 10% of my time in my bed watching Netflix and eating Marks & Spencer ready-meals. It's the only way I can cope with the exhilarating and exhausting beast that is London.
It is challenging to live in London on my own, and nothing has been more challenging than managing my mental health. All of my carefully constructed strategies of support are much harder to maintain in London. I will be the first to acknowledge I don't look after myself the same way I did in Canada. It's the little things like eating too much dairy to larger things like not investing in psychotherapy or forgetting to take my medication when I travel.
This past year I have written and talked a lot about mental health and my specific battle with health anxiety. It wasn't in my London plan, but circumstances and opportunities have made it an important part of my life here. Sometimes I find it empowering, other times terrifying. But all the time I believe it's necessary.
Now it's time for me to tell a different story.
Last month I had a significant setback with my health anxiety and lost the better part of a weekend to Dr Google. I was single-minded in my determination to self-diagnosis myself with a terminal illness and purged on worst-case scenarios until I was a hysterical mess.
I hate that version of myself. She is frustrating, illogical, insecure and desperate. She can't breathe and is incapable of feeling anything but fear. She is a failure.
Anxiety is exhausting. It takes significant energy and focus to manage my anxiety and battle my overwhelming urge to spend every free second on Dr Google.
I am all right, right now.
These are the six words that bring me some comfort and I repeat constantly. These are the six words that help me get out of bed in the morning and remind me to try and stay in the moment.
I am not always successful and I find myself back online more times than I care to admit. I also know that I am hyperaware of my body right now and spending too much time obsessing over my sore quads or occasional headaches. Inconsequential things that are related to exercise and work. Life.
This is my life that I want to share. My life living with anxiety.
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